Squash Your Quash
In the interest of not breaking down in tears every time I go to court, today I concentrated part of my consciousness on coming up with a to-do list for my clients and me.
1. You quash your warrant. You do not squash it. I understand how this could be confusing, because the words and even the meaning are similar. And I shouldn't laugh. But it is hard not to when someone seriously announces they are there to squash their warrant. No one needs a giggly lawyer.
2. Do not write "satan" over and over again on a calendar while waiting as the judge reviews the case, if it is likely that your boss will be the next person to handle that paper. (Aside - you know what smells like satan? Cooking meth.) Oh! Unflattering cartoons of your boss are also inadvisable.
3. Wear clothing. 90% of my female clients are half-naked. Why? It's winter. It's court. Help me here.
4. When something goes well for your client, do not turn and give them a giant thumbs up if there are 35 other people in the audience. This will be misinterpreted. By many.
5. Stealing one thing is no better than stealing another. One client was shocked that she was accused of stealing alcohol from Walmart, but totally ok when it was amended to clothing. "Oh yeah! I know that's stupid," she said. "To steal alcohol!" Vodka > pajamas.
6. Do not tell your attorney you have no other criminal matters on tap if you in fact have 37 open cases. This will end up making both of you look very stupid. Those computers? The prosecutor uses them like a Jedi.
As court wound down, standards slipped. The prosecutor began by referring to my boss and me as "Mr.---" and "Ms.---. This degenerated to our first names midday. By day's end, she asked our clients if they talked to a "male or a female?" Even this proved confusing. "That guy in the back room?" asked one. That's right. Those are your Constitutional rights.
I toppled out of court ten hours and 80 cases later. We'd ended with a 4'11" girl who could not have weighed more than 85 pounds. She was accused of assault. The wind assaults her daily, as far as I can tell. Perhaps she blew the wrong direction.
1. You quash your warrant. You do not squash it. I understand how this could be confusing, because the words and even the meaning are similar. And I shouldn't laugh. But it is hard not to when someone seriously announces they are there to squash their warrant. No one needs a giggly lawyer.
2. Do not write "satan" over and over again on a calendar while waiting as the judge reviews the case, if it is likely that your boss will be the next person to handle that paper. (Aside - you know what smells like satan? Cooking meth.) Oh! Unflattering cartoons of your boss are also inadvisable.
3. Wear clothing. 90% of my female clients are half-naked. Why? It's winter. It's court. Help me here.
4. When something goes well for your client, do not turn and give them a giant thumbs up if there are 35 other people in the audience. This will be misinterpreted. By many.
5. Stealing one thing is no better than stealing another. One client was shocked that she was accused of stealing alcohol from Walmart, but totally ok when it was amended to clothing. "Oh yeah! I know that's stupid," she said. "To steal alcohol!" Vodka > pajamas.
6. Do not tell your attorney you have no other criminal matters on tap if you in fact have 37 open cases. This will end up making both of you look very stupid. Those computers? The prosecutor uses them like a Jedi.
As court wound down, standards slipped. The prosecutor began by referring to my boss and me as "Mr.---" and "Ms.---. This degenerated to our first names midday. By day's end, she asked our clients if they talked to a "male or a female?" Even this proved confusing. "That guy in the back room?" asked one. That's right. Those are your Constitutional rights.
I toppled out of court ten hours and 80 cases later. We'd ended with a 4'11" girl who could not have weighed more than 85 pounds. She was accused of assault. The wind assaults her daily, as far as I can tell. Perhaps she blew the wrong direction.
posted by Salt and Vodka at 7:06 PM
1 comments
