A Failure to Put on the Brakes

I have officially given up dating.

And Jesus wept.

However, this leaves me with an heretofore untapped humor resource. I turn to my friends for inspiring stories. My friend Josh Lee (names changed) recently went on a date with a fun girl. She was very excited to move the relationship forward (this was their second date).

Josh emailed me as the date progressed. No, she really wanted to move the relationship forward.

“I think she wants me to impregnate her right now.”

“My date just ask how I felt about Chinese babies.”

He contrasted his own date with a much more appealing one going on nearby.

“There is this young attractive couple next to us having this wonderful date. All laughing and flirting. It makes me feel like such a dipshit.”

“The guy is a lawyer who looks likes the Maroon Five guy and she looks like Emily Blunt and is a psychologist. I'm talking about the weather.”

Once Josh extricated them from the restaurant, they set off from the nearby parking garage. Close quarters. As he attempted to pull out, his date was supposed to be watching out for very big things, like the many large cement supports. In an effort to miss them. Unfortunately, she arranged to have him miss a rubber cone instead. And crash heavily into one of the cement structures.

In her defense, she was probably preoccupied by the question of whether Mr. Lee would be willing to change his name to Li to make a Chinese baby feel more comfortable.

Josh wanted nothing more than to never see this girl again. Instead, she will be a witness in his insurance claim. And “she left her shoes in my car.”